22 March 2004 21:32

being and nothingness, but mostly nothingness

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when i think about spalding gray jumping off the back of the staten island ferry, i want to cry and cry and cry. i have felt like this since i heard his body had been found, and i'm not a particularly big fan of spalding gray, but it seems like such a lonely, harrowing thing that it breaks my heart. i am busy waiting for my period to start. i feel ponderous and as though my center of gravity is somehow both lower and further within me than it is at non-premenstrual times. i am having those end-of-winter icky-body issues, like i am too bellyish and my back has broken out and i don't know what to do about that or if i care but i am vaguely disgusted with my corporeal self. i have been buying myself artsy little presents because wednesday is EIGHT WHOLE WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CIGARETTE!!! also because i deserve artsy little presents. i think the plan is to put henna in my hair this weekend (of all the things i have done to my hair, this is one i haven't done, is why), and maybe go thrift shopping. i have had a cold for about three weeks. i am starting to worry that my skull is secretly full of blood and pus, which freaks me out big time. wasn't i supposed to get all healthy with the smoke-quitting, people? i probably haven't mentioned my damn-near obsession with america's next top model, but that's not because i'm ashamed to have given in to the reality television mind-virus. i love that show, and i can dissect it like a grad student, and i don't care who knows about it, as long as they don't call me tuesday nights when it's on. i ain't scairt of you. love, might